This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
