God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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