We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
