quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
