ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
