he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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