I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
