I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
