I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
