If that was your dad, he is hot
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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