it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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