Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
