last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
