Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
