so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
