Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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