I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
