Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
