I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
