so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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