i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
