Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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