so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
