I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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