When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
