I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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