were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
