So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
