I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
