You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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