Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
