Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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