I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
