i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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