Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We just shotgunned beers for America
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
