you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
