I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
