Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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