o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
