girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
