i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
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I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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