Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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