fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
