I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
