I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
