I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
