i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
