Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
