for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
