not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
