Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
