my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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