whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
