I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
