Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.