I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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