I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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