Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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