she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
